This is worship.

Two nights ago.

the 20th hour, the night my final exams were completed, the ICC worship team and I were preparing for service the next morning..

We practiced two songs, trying to up our co-ordination and team-playing levels.. Trading my Sorrows and You are Good, with all the jings and jangs and flowers.. That was the plan at first, until physical fatigue set in for me, and it became a battle in my mind and a battle in my body..


The latter was wrought with wars of attrition.. The former being an argument; was it merely a performance, practicing like this for tomorrow's stage show? Am I doing a show? What if I just scrap all the ideas I suggested, and go the way it's always been practiced, straight and simple? Was two hours of training enough to carry the song the next day? By scrapping the ideas, is it giving up and being lazy?

Not surprisingly, at wits end I was.. And then I got some ideas to finally wrap up the two songs, and spent just 10 minutes on one more.. But yet it didn't quite seem right. I said to God, "I really really need your help".. Went to bed that night just wondering what needs to be corrected.


Sunday morning

8am. Set my alarm for 7, wanting to pray, but as usual, the flesh is weak.. or was it God's decision to send me back to sleep? Woke up at 7.55, and I was nervous! What do I do, I can't go on stage like this! I could only limp over to my laptop; and started preparing. The verse of the day was:

Song of Solomon 8:13
Thou that dwellest in the gardens, the companions hearken to Thy voice: cause me to hear it.

The deeper idea spoke of the putting of off our flesh to hear God's voice.. Wanting to hear His voice was one thing, actually hearing it is blissfully different. I desired to actually hear it at that moment and through the whole Sunday, but as was said, actually hearing it is different. I asked my Father that morning if He would humble me just so I can hear His voice, just so I can lead worship sincerely and to usher in the Holy Spirit who inhibits the praises of His people.. I was still at the deep end of no-wits-land.

10.15am. Singing those two songs felt fake indeed. It did. In my heart was, Lord how do I save this worship service.. See how much pride I had? as if it all rested on my hands. And He did the unthinkable. After the prophecy, we went into the song 'The Heart of Worship' (which was also intended for that Sunday morning, but I don't know why I chose that). It was incredible. Wow. Wow. Wow. For the first time I could actually cry my way through the song, as the congregation began to sing 'all is stripped away' 'longing just to bring something that's of worth'. Was I bringing anything meaningful and worthy enough to be sacrificed at the altar that morning? Was I just bringing a circus parade of musical talent, or a broken and contrite spirit?

Just before starting the song, the prophecy over the church was re-played on Audio, and I took the opportunity to nervously share what was just interfering with my battered intellect throughout the re-play:

When we worship our God, we come to church on Sunday morning, and yet put on a performance the whole other 6 days. It's not like we don't struggle to worship God in truth, with our lifestyles, but everyone is guilty of putting on a show. We come to God on Sundays singing songs with words but not with total hearts, because some of that heart has been spent putting on facade after facade; how we in our own little worlds have made worship to look the way we want it to look: All about us.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship, when it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.

On Sunday, we are face down.
From Monday to Saturday, we are face up, our sin puffing us up in our own estimation. We have money in our pockets, shoes on our feet. We have friends, and a career. We have what we call, a future. We have all this, and all that, and yet we can do things like turn off the news when we don't like what we see. We avoid people who don't have money in their pockets, with bare feet, no family, no career, no future. Yea it's easy to do life when the music of everything is playing our lives into tempo.

And when the music does fade, what do we have to hide behind? No mask, no jewelery, just a layer of, nothing. And we have but no choice, other than to come to Our Maker, saying, I am not worthy, make me like one of your servants. And Dad, in His great mercy, takes us not on a guilt trip but a journey of grace. This is the journey He took me on. This is true worship.

Day 91: Just one day later

Isaiah 45:19
I said not unto the seed of Jacob, Seek ye Me in vain.

We may gain much solace by considering what God has not said. What He has said is inexpressibly full of comfort and delight; what He has not said is scarcely less rich in consolation. It was one of these "said nots" which preserved the kingdom of Israel in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash, for "the Lord said not that He would blot out the name of Israel from under heaven." 2 Kings 14:27. In our text we have an assurance that God will answer prayer, because He hath "not said unto the seed of Israel, Seek ye Me in vain." You who write bitter things against yourselves should remember that, let your doubts and fears say what they will, if God has not cut you off from mercy, there is no room for despair: even the voice of conscience is of little weight if it be not seconded by the voice of God. What God has said, tremble at! But suffer not your vain imaginings to overwhelm you with despondency and sinful despair. Many timid persons have been vexed by the suspicion that there may be something in God's decree which shuts them out from hope, but here is a complete refutation to that troublesome fear, for no true seeker can be decreed to wrath. "I have not spoken in secret, in a dark place of the earth; I have not said," even in the secret of my unsearchable decree, "Seek ye Me in vain." God has clearly revealed that He will hear the prayer of those who call upon Him, and that declaration cannot be contravened. He has so firmly, so truthfully, so righteously spoken, that there can be no room for doubt. He does not reveal His mind in unintelligible words, but He speaks plainly and positively, "Ask, and ye shall receive." Believe, O trembler, this sure truth-that prayer must and shall be heard, and that never, even in the secrets of eternity, has the Lord said unto any living soul, "Seek ye Me in vain."

-Charles Spurgeon

You are indeed faithful!

Day 91: Just one day later

Isaiah 45:19
I said not unto the seed of Jacob, Seek ye Me in vain.

We may gain much solace by considering what God has not said. What He has said is inexpressibly full of comfort and delight; what He has not said is scarcely less rich in consolation. It was one of these "said nots" which preserved the kingdom of Israel in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash, for "the Lord said not that He would blot out the name of Israel from under heaven." 2 Kings 14:27. In our text we have an assurance that God will answer prayer, because He hath "not said unto the seed of Israel, Seek ye Me in vain." You who write bitter things against yourselves should remember that, let your doubts and fears say what they will, if God has not cut you off from mercy, there is no room for despair: even the voice of conscience is of little weight if it be not seconded by the voice of God. What God has said, tremble at! But suffer not your vain imaginings to overwhelm you with despondency and sinful despair. Many timid persons have been vexed by the suspicion that there may be something in God's decree which shuts them out from hope, but here is a complete refutation to that troublesome fear, for no true seeker can be decreed to wrath. "I have not spoken in secret, in a dark place of the earth; I have not said," even in the secret of my unsearchable decree, "Seek ye Me in vain." God has clearly revealed that He will hear the prayer of those who call upon Him, and that declaration cannot be contravened. He has so firmly, so truthfully, so righteously spoken, that there can be no room for doubt. He does not reveal His mind in unintelligible words, but He speaks plainly and positively, "Ask, and ye shall receive." Believe, O trembler, this sure truth-that prayer must and shall be heard, and that never, even in the secrets of eternity, has the Lord said unto any living soul, "Seek ye Me in vain."

-Charles Spurgeon

You are indeed faithful!

Day 90

was 35 days ago. And 77 since the last related post. Yet, it seems that my expectations of a 'cure' for this 'disease' were not as I 'wanted' them to be. Ah, the ironies of living life. Not having what you want. In want of what you don't. And it's amazing how You work it all out for my good, invisible as it is to me.

Looking back, I remember my fragility, my volatility. And after 90 days, it's as if, nothing has changed. Has it? 125 days now, I feel worse off in that I'm still the same old me. There's something wrong here, David. If you intend to change the world, how can you stay the same old side of you that's not right?

Father, I expected some kind of impact-miracle, or at least a visible mark which I can be proud of. Yet nothing has come. Why? On the outside, things seem alright. On the inside it's not. And I'm putting it off when I should be working on it. Am I too busy to set myself straight with You? Am I spending so much time cleaning my outside and leaving the internals stained and smelled?

Have I wasted these 125 days on myself that I have forgotten about You? I'm far from You, my Father. I need you more than ever, yet I don't have the will to push myself to draw close. Why this silence? I'm waiting for this deliverance. I'm waiting for this wind to reverse itself. I'm blind to it, I can't sense it, feel it, nothing. but I need it. I need to know it's there. At least I think so. But God, what is best for Your fame, and our closeness, let it be so.. And give me strength to play the part You have given to me. I know You'll always keep Your promises, for You can't ever not keep them. I on the other hand, am fragile and weak. See Your servant, he has but little talent, and naught but skill-less, but what little I have left, I want to give it to You. Much have I wasted on godlessness, but yet You love me and are graceful to me. How could I fathom this?

Much grace for much sin, and much more I love You, and give myself for You as I wait for the day which faith shall no longer be invisible, but I shall see You with clarity and behold Your awesomeness and run into Your faithful arms.

An impatient Patient

I'm an impatient patient. Sick and in pain, but I cant wait for healing to take it's time. Selfishly, I've looked to my own comfort all this time. Everything I have done has been for me. In this pain, I have only crafted for myself a shell called self-pity, and that the world should be fairer. But there is no unfair and unjust world from a just God. Instead of looking at me like I'm the center of my own sphere, I need to push through. Yes, I must move on and push on. Circumstances array themselves like walls, walls that seem to get bigger, but pride, it is pride that has made me smaller. So flush away my pride, and replace it with trust, Lord, to believe that You are mighty to save. I don't see things the way You do, but You already promised that it'd be for my good. And I know a good God doesn't make bad promises. I don't see the picture album of life,

*but life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture!
once you feel the weight of glory
all your pain will fade to memory
press on and fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling
is just the hurt before the healing
is just the dawn before the morning*

*words and music by Josh Wilson.


I look through a tube, but you view through the kaleidoscope of life.
I merely tasted pain, but you have are a man acquainted with grief and sorrow
I feel high and mighty, but you command legions of angels.
I feel ashamed and insecure, but you took the scorn when you didn't deserve it
I read and discern in years, but you understand the universes like it's an egg.

Wake up, wake up, O sleeper, and see that God is sovereign. Wait.

Day 48: Glorious

Today, He has assured me a space reserved for me in heaven, in the royal orchestra in the courts of the King of all kings, who is also my ever close companion. I belong in the category of 'uncategorized worshippers', being exactly just who He made to me be, in His presence giving a totally unique form of praise, right beside all the other uncategorized worshippers, giving glory to Him in their own way. To dance and sing with this orchestra, alongside the simultaneous choir of angels and orchestra of all creation, both big and small, to displace glory to Him who deserves it in the very perfect nature that God will help me to obtain, is nothing short of what I now want.

It is a great honour and no mean feat playing beside a person of glory, the glory of an overcomer. But our King, who we play for, wears the glory of an Overcomer who vanquished all his foes, a Prince who still is undefeated to this day, an Intercessor who never has failed, and the glory of one who underwent great grief and sorrow and came out of it victorious. How much more infinite is this honour! How exceeding, this joy of playing in the courts of the King who owns the oldest kingdom, the largest kingdom, the most powerful kingdom, the kingdom of love, the kingdom which endures forever! Time is short. Eternity is long. I have decided to make every effort to worship like I'm in heaven. Not only in mere time. But in all eternity.

If you would delight in His glory hereafter, He must be glorious in your sight now. Is He so?