Day 6: Not Everything is as it Seems

One would define his own life by the choices he has made, or more precisely, how the choices affected him and the people around him. As everyone else, I have made many wrong choices in life, but, I define it as a wrong choice. Not everybody does. Hence, not everything is as it seems.

Even before making any decision, one would make assumptions, hypothesize certain things, laying out different courses of action that are considered beneficial to oneself. Yet, he cannot define the true outcome or circumstance of any action. He can only anticipate it. He cannot guarantee it. That is the future. Future is uncertainty. Future is fear inducing. The future must be controlled to the highest degree possible by that man, or he will consider himself insecure. I have learnt very recently that the future is not what it seems. Even the present.

I am in a dilemma, in which I have to decide between two things, whereby both decisions have one common, primary goal, that is to benefit a certain someone the most. Yet, I know not the most correct, beneficial, worthwhile decision to make. And when I am in this dilemma, I am biased to a decision because I know that I will benefit as well, from that particular decision. A secondary goal, that is.

After gathering sufficient intelligence, data, information, one would conclude the safest decision, from a viewpoint called viewpoint A. However, not everything is as it seems. From viewpoint B, that intelligence, data, and information may or may not be wrongly interpreted.

When applied in my case, my intuition may well be a misconception, or it may not. Anyway, after logically explaining everything to myself, I comfort myself by deciding on a particular course of action, action A. Suddenly, new intel comes by, I reverse my course of action. And I redefine everything, and make a new decision, course of action B. Yet again, more data comes by, and turns everything I've worked for upside down, and makes me turn it all back up, rearrange everything, and decide on a new course of action, action C. And the cycle continues for many, many, many, excruciating hours, and how many more hours must I endure? Three months.

Why must I think so much? I do not know. Is this very important to me. An absolute yes.

God, help me. I need it.