Day 90

was 35 days ago. And 77 since the last related post. Yet, it seems that my expectations of a 'cure' for this 'disease' were not as I 'wanted' them to be. Ah, the ironies of living life. Not having what you want. In want of what you don't. And it's amazing how You work it all out for my good, invisible as it is to me.

Looking back, I remember my fragility, my volatility. And after 90 days, it's as if, nothing has changed. Has it? 125 days now, I feel worse off in that I'm still the same old me. There's something wrong here, David. If you intend to change the world, how can you stay the same old side of you that's not right?

Father, I expected some kind of impact-miracle, or at least a visible mark which I can be proud of. Yet nothing has come. Why? On the outside, things seem alright. On the inside it's not. And I'm putting it off when I should be working on it. Am I too busy to set myself straight with You? Am I spending so much time cleaning my outside and leaving the internals stained and smelled?

Have I wasted these 125 days on myself that I have forgotten about You? I'm far from You, my Father. I need you more than ever, yet I don't have the will to push myself to draw close. Why this silence? I'm waiting for this deliverance. I'm waiting for this wind to reverse itself. I'm blind to it, I can't sense it, feel it, nothing. but I need it. I need to know it's there. At least I think so. But God, what is best for Your fame, and our closeness, let it be so.. And give me strength to play the part You have given to me. I know You'll always keep Your promises, for You can't ever not keep them. I on the other hand, am fragile and weak. See Your servant, he has but little talent, and naught but skill-less, but what little I have left, I want to give it to You. Much have I wasted on godlessness, but yet You love me and are graceful to me. How could I fathom this?

Much grace for much sin, and much more I love You, and give myself for You as I wait for the day which faith shall no longer be invisible, but I shall see You with clarity and behold Your awesomeness and run into Your faithful arms.